A new hippo

  • ‘Polish plumbers might be OK with dishwashers and boilers, but I’d like to see one jump a bottomless chasm or throw bolts of fire at marauding turtles’ - Mario makes his views known

  • Arnie outlines plan to run for the presidency in 2008

  • ‘Dear Mum and Dad and the British Government, I am safe and well, I like Iran, the people are very kind, please turn over, they have given me nice Iranian food, I think the troops should be withdrawn from Iraq…’ Leading Seaman Turney reads out third signed letter on Iranian TV

  • James Cameron to film new action movie inside his own stomach, Bruce Willis signed up to star

  • Conrad Black involved in freak library accident – Eyewitness: ‘He had this huge ledger and he was trying to rest it on top of a bookcase… unfortunately it fell down on his head very hard… I couldn’t stop laughing - it was one of the funniest things I’ve seen in my whole life!!!’

  • Church slams Jeffrey Archer ‘gospel’– ‘And I thought St Bartholomew was dull!’ claims Archbishop of Canterbury