• ‘The alpaca’s OK, but I would have preferred an Xbox 360′ - one Peruvian boy’s Christmas disappointment
• Michael Grade to quit smoking following advice from Caroline Quentin
• Four aeroplanes stolen at Heathrow - ‘This blooming fog is causing all kinds of problems’ says security guard
• Roos a lucky boy? Wayne pays £152,000 for weekend with P Diddy
• Take That to resplit in the Spring
• Jubilation as St Peter agrees to extradite General Pinochet to Hell

Bloody Hell! Another real story has sneaked into our imaginary headlines - but can you spot it? Check your answer here…

2006. What a year! There’s been so many high points that it’s hard to know where to begin. How about brave David Walliams braving the channel for charity? Or Madonna’s selfless saving of African Boy from penury? Or Mel Gibson’s triumphant comeback… at a vindictive traffic cop?! Or Angelina Jolie revealing her true colours for her new film, A Mighty Heart?

In the political sphere, 2006 proved Tony Blair’s best year yet, with a clutch of new and innovative approaches to Health, the Environment and the Middle East. Well done Tony! Pull a cracker for us!

Fifty years after possibly the most heroic event in the anti-Soviet struggle, the proud Magyar engaged in a three-day whinge outside Parliament. Elsewhere, King Jon Ill demonstrated his passion for nuclear armament and we bade a fond farewell to those friends of dangerous entities, Steve Irwin and Yasser Arafat.

It’s been a pleasant year for the tabloid press, who have been saved from the daily grind of turning reality into fiction by a reality intent on fictionalising itself. Who wasn’t gripped by the edge-of-the-seat cold war thriller that was the Litvinenko poisoning? And who will be the deadly ripper’s next victim? Find out only in tomorrow’s Sun!

To round things off here’s Imaginary Scenes’ round-up of the top five cultural events around the round world this year:

Personality of the Year

5 - Hillary Clinton
4 - Mahmoud Abbas
3 - Stephen Hawking
2 - Robert Altman
1 - Michael Lembeck

Best Film

5 - United 93 (Paul Greengrass)
4 - Caché (Michael Haneke)
3 - Brokeback Mountain (Ang Lee)
2 - Volver (Pedro Almodovar)
1 - The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (Michael Lembeck)

Album of the Year

5 - Scott Walker: The Drift
4 - Tom Zé: Estudando o Pagode
3 - Ali Farka Toure: Savane
2 - Hot Chip: The Warning
1 - George S. Clinton: The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause Original Soundtrack Recording

Books of the Year

5 - Philip Roth: Everyman
4 - Julian Barnes: Arthur and George
3 - Cormac McCarthy: The Road
2 - Thomas Pynchon: Against the Day
1 - James Ponti: The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause: The Junior Novelization

Politician of the Year

5 - David Cameron
4 - Nancy Pelosi
3 - John McCain
2 - Segolene Royal
1 - nellA miT

Read the rest of this entry »

• Supermarkets to sell cut-price Islamic extremism
• ‘I didn’t know I had so many fans!’ Foreign Secretary Margaret Beckett on the 24 pantomime roles she’s been offered this year
• Decision to end Serious Fraud Office probe into BAE corruption to be investigated by Even More Serious Fraud Office
• Santa’s ‘anguish’ following Farepak collapse - ‘Tangerines and reindeer meat. It’s not what the kids are into, but it’s all I have’
• ‘We fucking told you’ - Captain Planet’s chief animator speaks from his deathbed, evidently still thinking about the environment
• Outrage as General Pinochet secures place in heaven

Note that this is not a true story. It is made up. What’s more, any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is coincidental or intended purely as satire, parody or spoof, and all opinions expressed are meant to represent only those of the author and not of the people in the storee.

Part One

And Mă-nō-ăh said unto his wife, We shall surely die, because we have seen God.

But his wife said unto him, If the Lord were pleased to kill us, he would not have received a burnt offering and a meat offering at our hands, neither would he have shewed us all these things, nor would as at this time have told us such things as these.

And the woman bare a son, and called his name Russell: and the child grew, and the Lord blessed him. Read the rest of this entry »