Like Rodney Dangerfield, Imaginary Scenes has decided to go back to school. But, unlike the bug eyed Yank, who was smart enough to go straight back to university, we are only capable of returning to primary school. Still, every cloud has a silver lining, and this is no exception. We’ve gone straight into Mr Scudamore’s, one of the best classes around. All the nine-year-olds there are household names; Jose, Rafa, Alex, Arsene, Big Sam, Alan, Harry, Martin, Gareth, Chris…

This continuing story, the first episode of which we present today, will be written as and when I feel like it.

Get your notebooks out and sharpen your pencils, you lazy layabouts. It’s about time you actually learnt something.