Editorial policy at the Sun is to avoid international stories on the front page –unless they involve leaders with particularly funny names. But yesterday the newspaper ran a special on a ‘world crisis’ that was about to EXPLODE.

What could it be? Climate change? The illicit trade in nuclear components? The bird flu epidemic? Or could it be…the looming Armageddon caused by Jade Goody et al. on Celebrity Big Brother?

The idea that our Jade has sparked some kind of international incident is quite amusing, but maybe not that surprising. It’s just a case of the wrong person being in the right place at a sensitive time. We should be thankful she’s not sharing a house with any devout Muslims or apparatchiks of Vladimir Putin.

The Sun’s decided to lay into her pretty deep, but you can be sure her public rehabilitation will begin minutes after she gets kicked out tonight. The paper is sure to devote another front page to the story, with a picture of Jade looking like she always does – like she’s just walked into some French windows – accompanied by some straight-forward ‘setting the record straight’ text: bullet point I’m not a racist bullet point some of my best friends is darkies bullet point you can’t beat a good curry…

But the ‘world crisis’ has sent the organisers of McCall and Endemol’s Pandemonium Shadow Show into a bit of a spin. Rutland and South Lincolnshire Telegraph Utility – the sponsors of the show – pulled out yesterday, and that very evening saw an unexpected reconciliation under the great canvas canopy…

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In the first part of this story, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson awoke after a night of uneasy dreams to find that she could see through her hands. The next instalment is below - or you can download both parts as a pdf here.

Note that if the events depicted here were true, which they aren’t, they didn’t happen in the last few days. Which explains Jade Goody’s cameo appearance even though (as any idiot will tell you) she is currently touring with McCall and Endemol’s Pandemonium Shadow Show.